I think my fart just growled at me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Operation Purity has been aborted
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
