when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
