God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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