i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
