I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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