I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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