Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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