My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
