I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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