I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize