i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
