I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
