seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
