she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
