Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize