The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
