Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize