At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
