I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm going to jail i love you
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
