when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
