Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
