If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
