Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
