I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
