drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
