just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
