i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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