TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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