so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
