i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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