I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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