would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
