You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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