Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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