where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
