I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
