I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
