my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
