I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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