So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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