You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
