I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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