I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
