mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
