Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She told me I should be a condom model.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
