so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
