Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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