I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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