Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
