Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
