So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
