CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
