Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize