Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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