I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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