she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
