Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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