this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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