this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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