That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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