I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I came so hard my ears popped.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
