rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
