She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
